In Japan, receiving a gift can create a strong feeling that something should be given in return. The problem is that the return gift may then make the other person feel the same way. Before long, the two sides are trapped in what people sometimes jokingly call an orei gassen—a “thank-you battle.”
The difficult part is that saying, “Please do not go to any more trouble,” may not end it. In Japanese, this kind of phrase can be a sincere request, but it can also be polite modesty. The other person may think, “They said that, but surely I should still send something.” There is no way to end the cycle that is both completely gentle and completely reliable.
A natural first step is to send one final, more modest gift and clearly say that no more gifts are needed. With a relative or close friend, someone might say, “You have already given me more than enough. Let’s stop exchanging gifts after this.” In a more formal relationship, the message might be, “Thank you for all your kindness. Please do not feel that you need to send anything in the future.”
Even that may not work. If another gift arrives, the next step is to thank the person by phone or message without sending another item. Otherwise, sending another gift in return while saying that the exchange should end simply starts the same cycle again.
This is harder than it sounds. Keeping the gift without returning anything can feel rude, but speaking too directly can feel as though the person’s kindness is being rejected. The closer or more important the relationship is, the harder it may be to draw a clear line.
This is also one of the situations in which indirect Japanese communication can work badly. Gentle wording usually helps protect relationships. Here, however, it can make the real meaning less clear. The listener may search for a hidden message, decide that the refusal was only polite, and continue doing exactly what the speaker was trying to stop.
To reduce the exchange, send a smaller final gift and state clearly that nothing more is needed. If the gifts still continue, stop replying with another item and express thanks only in words. Ending the exchange does not mean ending the relationship, but at some point a line has to be drawn—even if doing so feels slightly uncomfortable.
And yet, drawing that line is exactly what Japanese people often find difficult. Somewhere in Japan today, another thank-you battle is probably still going on.
