In Japan, some people see things like funerals, grave visits, and praying at a family Buddhist altar less as expressions of strong personal faith and more as long-standing family customs.
Even people who do not think much about religion in everyday life may still burn incense at a relative’s funeral or put their hands together at a family grave. Buddhist funerals are common in Japan, and offering incense is one of the usual customs.
When a couple follows different religions, however, this way of thinking does not always carry over easily.
What looks like a familiar family custom to the Japanese side may feel like participation in another religion’s worship to the other partner.
That does not necessarily mean that someone from a different faith should avoid every part of the ceremony.
If they attend a family funeral, some relatives may hope that they will follow the family’s customs as much as they reasonably can. Taking part in things such as offering incense or putting the hands together may be seen not only as a religious act, but also as a way of showing respect to the deceased and the family.
But if the person’s own religion clearly forbids participation in another religion’s worship, the situation is different. In that case, they do not need to be forced to perform the same acts. They can explain this to the family in advance and show respect for the deceased in a way that fits their own faith.
So the choice is not simply between “follow every Japanese custom” and “do nothing.”
A person might attend the funeral but not offer incense. They might visit the family grave but pray in their own way. Each part can be considered separately.
For married couples, the issue can also go beyond a single ceremony. They may eventually need to decide what to do about the family grave, who will take responsibility for the family Buddhist altar, and how family memorial practices will continue in the future.
That is why interfaith couples often benefit from discussing these things before a difficult situation arises: What can each person take part in, and what is not possible because of their faith?
Respecting the family’s customs matters, but so does respecting a partner’s religious limits.
There is no single “Japanese answer” for every interfaith couple. The important thing is to understand what each person feels they need to protect, and then find a line that works for that family.
References
- nippon.com, “Funeral Etiquette in Japan”
- Japanese Law Translation Database, Civil Code, Article 897
