In Japan, seeing someone often, drinking together, or spending time in the same group does not necessarily mean you have become truly close. Two people may look very friendly within a group but rarely meet one-on-one or ask each other for personal favors. That kind of relationship is not unusual.
One sign that the relationship has moved a little deeper is that you begin to feel less need to hold back. With someone you are not very close to, you may think, “Would it be a burden if I asked this?” or “This is not important enough to call them about,” and try to deal with it yourself. With someone closer, you may be able to say, “Sorry to ask, but could you help me with something?” The other person may also be willing to give up some time or effort simply because it is you asking.
The same favor can feel completely different depending on the relationship. If someone you have only met a few times suddenly asks you to drive them somewhere or help them move, you may wonder, “Are we really close enough for you to ask me that?” The uncomfortable part is not always the favor itself. Sometimes it is the feeling that the other person is acting as if you are already much closer than you feel you are.
With a close friend, on the other hand, even a fairly inconvenient request may not feel strange. You are also less likely to keep a careful score of who owes whom. You do not necessarily think, “I helped you last time, so you owe me next time.” If they need help, you help. If you need something, you ask. The relationship itself is trusted enough that every favor does not have to be settled like an account.
That does not mean all reserve disappears. Even very close friends may still begin a request with something like, “Sorry to ask,” or “I feel bad asking you this.” In Japan, closeness often shows itself not through the complete disappearance of enryo, or restraint, but through a gradual widening of what you feel comfortable asking of each other.
Of course, people differ greatly in how quickly they become close. Some are shy and take a long time to open up, while others connect quickly. So the depth of a friendship cannot be measured simply by how many years people have known each other or how many secrets they have shared. A more revealing question may be whether the relationship still exists outside the group, whether you can rely on each other when something goes wrong, and whether you trust that a small inconvenience will not damage the friendship.
You may still say, “Sorry to ask,” but you no longer wonder whether you are allowed to ask at all. That small change can say a great deal about how close the relationship has become.
